While there is no denying the pile of self-disappointments I’ve managed to accumulate in less than six months, some personal victories, no matter how small and seemingly irrelevant, still warrant recognition.
It appears despite my friends’ usual observation that I tend to worry a lot about what others would say, surprisingly, I have started to give less and less fuck about the opinions of others to the point of complete apathy, and then later self-destruction. I rarely go out now with online friends, thinking it would just make me feel vulnerable, again; instead, I annoy the hell out of the few friends I have in real life. Sometimes I would entertain the thought of permanently disconnecting from the internet life I’ve known to be easy and familiar. I just couldn’t seem to let go of the convenience of it all.
Thankfully, my incessant stalking has come to a halt. Hopefully, for good this time. There were times when the itch to check up on some random people would come, mostly guys I dated and some exes, just to see if they were doing worse than I was. I was wrong more than half the time. And after-midnights were the hardest, especially when you’re out of cigarettes and your coffee has gone cold.
My smoking remains the same, but I drink less now. Which means the drunk dialing incidents have declined, and I have fewer things to worry about when waking up on a Saturday afternoon, except for a sure hangover.
That night in Cagbalete then comes to mind. Mark, Rachel and I were at the beach. In front of us a quiet sea blending in with the night sky. Our backs against the sand, and a few feet away a campfire slowly burns into cinders. I have never seen so many stars in my life. We were so drunk and free, and dying in that very moment while Mark was loudly cursing the universe for god knows what, I realize, it couldn’t be so bad after all.
Starting anew, as I recall, is one of the few things I know I’m good at. But, unlike those that came before this, I cannot guarantee religious updates. It takes a lot nowadays for something to bother me. It’s too late to let a bad layout and ugly font styles ruin a good night’s sleep. ■